Does this sound familiar? You've just realized you are attracted to women or you have known for some time now. You happen to be married to a man and he doesn't know about your interest in other women. You are at the point where you cannot ignore these feelings any longer and you realize you’re going to have to tell your husband.Everything that you’re feeling inside is affecting your relationship with your husband and whether you’re having an affair with a woman or not, he deserves to know what’s been going on with you. This may or may not be a relationship-changing event. Here are some things to consider before coming out to your husband as a lesbian or bisexual.
Your husband may be a great guy. You may still love him. He may be the father of your children and your partner in everything in life. Chances are he’s noticed changes in your behavior, sexually and otherwise, and how you react to him. He may be blaming himself for the distance he feels from you. When you decide the time is right to tell him, here are some tips on how best to go about it.
Timing
Coming out to your husband is not going to be easy. Make sure you plan to tell him during a period where you know he will have the time and space to process it. Don’t do it over a holiday or your anniversary. If you have children, you might want to see if you can get someone to watch them for a day. Allow for at least a few hours of uninterrupted time for the two of you to be alone together.
Reaction
There’s no way to know for sure how he will react. He may become angry. He may get sad. He may ask you to leave right away. Or he may wonder if there is anyway you can work things out with him. Be ready for any of these emotions to erupt and decide ahead of time how you will deal with each one.
What Do You Want?
Before you come out to him, you should have a good understanding of what you want out of your relationship with your husband. You may not know for sure, but one thing is certain, he’s going to ask you. You have to be ready to tell him what you are thinking and how you feel and what you see in the future for the two of you and your relationship. Do you want to leave? Do you want to try and stay, acknowledge your feelings for women and not act on them? Do you want to become non-sexual partners with him and pursue affairs with women? Do you want an open relationship where you continue to be lovers with him, but date women also? These are all options. He may or may not agree with any of them, but you can have a sense of what you desire before you come out to him.
Are You In Love with Another Woman?
ype of thing they figure out intellectually, but rather, an emotional thing that comes to a head and becomes a top priority issue once they have fallen in love with another woman. Here are some things to keep in mind if this is you: If this is your first time with a woman.
The newness and intensity of a new love affair with a woman may throw you way off balance emotionally. The excitement and sexual attraction cannot compare to the everyday routine of a long-term relationship, especially if you've only had male-female relationships in the past. Try to keep this in mind as you sort out your feelings.
It is common for married women to fall in love with other married women. You may wonder, is it just this particular person or am I a lesbian or bisexual? Sometimes you just KNOW. Sometimes it takes some time and examination to figure out. If you need the time - take it. Be patient with yourself.
If you are in love with a married woman who has no desire nor intention of leaving her husband, this can cause a unique set of challenges. Some women in this situation decide not to come out to their husbands and continue to have an affair, in secret. This choice has the potential to destroy both relationships if it backfires and you are found out, so it is not recommended. Even if you are not found out, the jealousy, lies and need to constantly cover it up will slowly eat away at you. Eventually you will want to come clean.
Questioning Your Sexual Orientation?
You may not know yet if you are actually a lesbian, but you may be questioning it. It is okay to share your confusion and doubt with your husband. I have heard many stories of men who just want their wives to have a happy and fulfilling life, even if it is without them. Your husband may be the guy who stands by your side while you figure it out. He may surprise you. If you are married and can't figure out if you are lesbian, bisexual or straight, it might be a good idea to seek help from a professional therapist.
How to Come Out to Your Husband
You don’t have to have everything perfectly planned out or figured out, but these tips may help you prepare for telling your husband you are lesbian or bisexual:
1. Tell the truth. Speak for yourself using "I" statements. If you have been having problems with him, try to keep those issues separate from what is going on inside you.
2. Let him know it’s not his fault. That nothing he did caused you to be this way. You don’t have to tell him everything. You may want to spare him any details of your sexual experiences with others, but if you’ve put him at risk of any sexually transmitted diseases, you should let him know that.
3. Remember this is your first conversation about this and his initial reaction will not be his lasting one.
4. Don’t come out to him in anger.
5. Don’t expect him to be your primary support in this.
6. Be honest. Don’t give him false hope for your relationship if there is none.
7. Do seek the assistance of a relationship counselor. She can help you work it out, or break up in an amicable way.
8. Encourage him to find his own support. The Straight Spouse Network is one place he can go.
Regardless of how your session with your husband turns out, you will end the discussion feeling you have been upfront with him, have hidden nothing from him, and are ready to proceed with your life. It may not end up how you imagine, but in any case, you are who you are and your husband deserves to know. After all, it affects him as much as it affects you. You may be pleasantly surprised. Finally, he will appreciate your candor and the value you are placing on your relationship with him by "coming clean" and putting both of you in a position to make sound, caring decisions moving forward.
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